I’m sat in the kitchen with my hair washed and a mask on my face! Yes, I finally had the time to put a face mask and it feels so good. Actually, I need to thank my psychologist for that as she advised to do more things that I used to enjoy.
Speaking of her, I had my third session this afternoon and we discussed a lot of things. We talked about books and things I should to do more often. Like listening to music, reading books and spending more quality me-time.
I used to enjoy a lot of things, unfortunately, right now I don’t but I need to try and force my brain to think more positively. For instance, when I finish this blog post, I’ll start assembling a puzzle that I have in my room. We also talked about the trip I had with my ex-partner to Japan. I really want to write about that but I can’t stop worrying about organic search. Until I started writing these posts, I never really blogged about the things I really cared about. I think it’s about time to start doing that.
So, the plan is to layout my future posts about Japan and finish them when I can. I need to put boundaries when it comes to working. We discussed my current obsession with everything. I told my psychologist that I haven’t started writing about Japan because 1 – organic search; and 2 – if I don’t finish a post the same day I think of myself as a failure. Currently, I word on the blog all the time. When I wake up, in the middles of the afternoon and in the evening until 2 or 3 in the morning. Last night was the first night when I told myself to stop at half past midnight. Still, I didn’t fall asleep until 3 am, yet, it still counts as something!
Now, onto the more serious subjects.
In my last weekly catch-up, I mentioned that someone told me not to share everything. If you’ve been following my mental health blog posts you’d know why I started going to therapy and you’d know that that someone is a family member. I’m not sure what the problem is as I mentioned my posts to my psychologist and she said it’s a great idea. However, that person doesn’t approve and I don’t want further problems while I’m trying to get better.
We actually started the session with a discussion about my ex-partner. I can’t stop thinking about him and I love him so much. It pains me to death that I caused so much pain and trouble. The psychologist assured me that we’re soulmates but I ruined everything. How am I supposed to fix everything? I can’t…
You know, I never even told him how I feel. I had this chat with a friend of mine (or that used to be a friend) months ago when I was feeling lonely and didn’t know what to do. In the relationship, I only missed one thing. Yet, that one thing made me say and do things that I didn’t want to do. I’m not talking about cheating, don’t bite my head off! I never cheated. Still, I said and did quite horrible and stupid things. Nothing can actually justify what I did. Anyway, she asked me if I’m willing to just end it with him? I said: ‘Never! If I have to go through everything again – university problems, work issues, health problems, my mom passing away – I would! He is the most amazing human being and I can’t imagine my life without him!’. Sadly, I don’t think I ever told this to him… I’m so stupid… I ruined the one chance I have for true happiness. I guess that’s what it feels like when they say ‘you don’t know what you’re missing until it’s gone’. Funny thing is life, heh?
My psychologist told me not to think like this, yet I’ve been thinking like this throughout my whole life. I perceive everything and everyone like they wish the worst for me and it’s the end of the world. I mentioned to her how this friend I saw last week didn’t invite me to his birthday and I started thinking that I’m worthless and nobody likes me.
To be honest, I have no idea if I’ve ever been happy…
I’ve always done things to please other people. Right now, I don’t really see point trying but I owe it to so many people. Most importantly, I owe to myself. I need to learn how to believe in myself and how to make myself happy.
If I don’t like myself and don’t know how to be happy, then nobody will be able to help me.
I just hope that the medication, therapy and my efforts will start paying off soon as I’m really tired…
Well, I’m off to do the laundry and them it’s puzzle time!
Until next time! 🙂
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