This is my last post for 2017! I can’t believe that in less than 33 hours I’m going to say goodbye to this year and welcome 2018! A lot of the bloggers I’m following have posted either their 2017 highlights or their New Year’s resolutions. Thus, I thought I should join the trend and write my own post focusing on the ups and downs of 2017 and what I’m expecting from 2018! This post is also marking the beginning of my new category – ‘Random Thoughts’! To be honest with you, I had other ideas when I decided to start this category. I wanted to share something cheerful and upbeat as a first post. Sadly, things don’t always turn out how you’ve imagined! Therefore, I’m sharing my highs and lows throughout 2017. I hope you read them, I hope you understand them. Most of all, I hope you could relate to some of them and find something more about me that will make you want to come back.

2017 Highlights: The Downs

I’m going to start with the downs for my 2017 highlights. I think it’s important to be constructive – start from the bottom and work your way up! Sadly, I think they’ve been more lows than ups this year, and here they are:

Financial difficulties. If anyone has read the ‘About Me’ page, this time last year I decided to quit my job as a Marketing Executive. The working environment was horrendous and I couldn’t take the everyday harassment. Eventually, I decided to take a break and give myself some time to determine where I want to go and what I want to do. Vlad and I had the plan to move somewhere else after he finishes his PhD in a couple of months. However, I didn’t think this break would become a problem – a financial one, to be precise! My plan was to take some months off and get back out there. Sadly, it all went south… Vlad hasn’t finished his PhD yet, we haven’t moved and I can’t find a proper job in this tiny Surrey town.

Depression. I was already suffering from depression for the past few years, but 2016 brought the hell on my shoulders. I lost my mom, I couldn’t even say goodbye as I’m living in the UK and it happened all so suddenly. That’s why I also decided to leave my job – I just couldn’t take this miserable life I was living. On the other hand, I thought I was fine and I could handle things, but that’s the thing – you don’t know when certain feelings are going to hit you. It took me half a year to realise why I’m so moody. It happened this spring – I was blaming myself for our financial situation, blaming myself for the missed opportunity to help my mom, blaming myself for everything. One day I was shouting and crying, the next day – smiling and laughing. I didn’t even realise I was depressed… People also assumed I was just moody and overreacting as usual, but depression takes many forms. Nobody realised what I was going through. On the contrary, everyone except Vlad thought I had this perfect life just because I was posting happy snaps, pictures and videos. For anybody reading this – please stop with the assumptions. Next time you decide to give someone your opinion on whether or not they’re fine and look happy, think twice!

Anxiety. I’ve always suffered from anxiety. Everything that has happened throughout my childhood – the parental abuse from my father, the fat-shaming labels from my classmates, etc. – marked me for life. Anxiety and PTSD don’t just go away and people like me have to deal with them. I’ve had my techniques when I felt I couldn’t breathe and escape, but the financial difficulties and the death of my mom made it worse for me this year. There were times I couldn’t do anything – I was hiding in my room, shaking and breathless for hours. Nowadays, it’s gotten much better and I don’t experience these feelings more than once a month.

Sleep deprivation. All of this stress and mental problems have caused a sleep deprivation. I can’t sleep – with or without sleeping pills. It doesn’t matter if I’m tired or not – I just can’t sleep. Whenever I close my eyes, everything that has happened to me appears in front of my eyes. And if I manage to get some sleep – it’s only for 4 hours as I keep waking up due to nightmares.

Alcohol consumption. I know it might not seem like a big deal, but I was having some sort of alcoholic beverage every night. I wasn’t getting drunk, but it was affecting me deeply. I thought alcohol will fix my problems, but it didn’t. Eventually, I decided to stop drinking in September. Moreover, I did the Go Sober for October campaign and couldn’t feel better. Since then, I only drink when there’s an occasion – birthday, Christmas, etc.

Toxic friendships. I decided to get rid of people like this in my life. ‘Friends’ and acquaintances who only contact me when they need something. People who’ve said they cared and wished me all the best, but didn’t even ask how I’m actually doing, nor how I actually feel. I refuse to interact with people like this. Sometimes, you’re your only friend and that’s ok!

 2017 Highlights: The Ups

Vlad. I couldn’t have asked for a better partner in crime! My boyfriend is everything to me and he’s been a huge support! Thank you for everything you’ve done and you’re about to do! You made me a better person, you thought me how to take care of myself, you showed me there’s more to life than going out and partying!

Vlad’s parents. If it wasn’t for Vlad’s parents I would be probably working in another, pardon my French, shitty company. They have been a huge financial and emotional support. One day, when I can, I’ll somehow find a way to repay them!

This blog. This blog saved my life! I’m so happy I had the support from Vlad to actually realise this dream. Having this blog, having the opportunity to share my thoughts, struggles and experiences with the world marked a new chapter in my life. It doesn’t matter if people actually read anything I write. Being able to express myself has helped with my mental and physical well-being, and I’m determined to keep this blog live. On the other hand, if you are reading my mumbo-jumbos, THANK YOU! I hope we see each other more often in 2018!

There you have it – final post for 2017! Tomorrow I’ll say goodbye to this horrible miserable year and welcome 2018! A year that I’m determined to make my best one yet:

  1. Vlad and I are going to move out!
  2. We’re going to travel more!
  3. I’m going to get back to my reading list!
  4. I’ll up my blog game – writing more, improve photography, etc.!
  5. I’m a huge tech junkie and there are a lot of new gadgets I want to add to my collection!
  6. I’ll start doing videos – get ready with me, food and makeup videos!
  7. We’ll get a cat! Since little I’ve always had a cat, sometimes even two, and living without the furry purr in my life is a huge struggle!
  8. I’ll enrol in even more charity causes! I’m currently supporting a couple of charities, but I went to get involved even more in 2018.
  9. I’ll not let people’s opinion affect me and I’ll keep my distance from toxic human beings from now on!
  10. I’ll be happy!

Dear readers, thank you for taking the time to visit my post and blog! I wish you all the best and a wonderful 2018! I hope you’re going to leave the bad memories behind and welcome the new year with an open heart!


x Mariya