I haven’t been writing these little mental health updates for a while, so welcome back. Truthfully, I’ve only skipped writing one or two of my visits to the psychologist. I’ve been going less and less as I want to deal with my problems by myself. I can’t always rely on someone to listen and advise me on how to fix my life.
Thus, this post is going to be my last one. I won’t be sharing what we’re discussing in our sessions anymore. It’s not that I want to stop writing these little posts as they are actually helping people but I don’t think that there will be anything new to share. Pretty much all of my past and problems have been discussed, so I’ll just be repeating myself.
This week has marked a new stepping stone. I realized that my whole life I’ve been searching for someone to give me the love and attention I deserve. Actually, my whole life has been revolving around men’s approval, appraisal, love and support to make me feel valued as a woman and a person. I know I shouldn’t be blaming people for how my life turned out but when your life turns to hell from the age of four, then I guess I do have the right to blame someone. Especially when that particular person hasn’t changed at all, then I have all the right and reasons to blame them.
Last year was absolutely horrendous but I promised my best friend that on 1st January I will wake up with a new mindset. That’s just what I did! I also made a promise to myself that this year is going to be my year whatever it takes. In order to do that, I need to learn to love myself. I don’t need a man to give me his love to feel loved. I’m done seeking approval and comfort in men who treat me like a half-human. I’m done forgiving and I’m done explaining myself.
All my relationships so far have been toxic. I either picked the wrong guys or tried to change something in them. I actually saw a very accurate post on Instagram last night. It pretty much summed up all of my relationships. I’ve always seen the ‘potential’ in men – what they could become and what our future would be. But those were just boys, not men. I’ve spent so much time and effort to change someone, in order to be compatible that eventually it always backfired at me. I’ve done things I’m not proud of and I’ve said things that I’m not proud of. Yet, I did and still do have my reasons to have done and said those things.
I no longer need or want to apologize for who I am. I think I’m a pretty amazing person and whoever wants to stay in my life will do so no matter what. What I realized these past months since I’ve been single is that I’ve lost touch with the girl I used to be. There used to be far worse moments in my life but I’ve never given up. I was always determined to succeed and fight. I don’t know what happened to that girl but I haven’t seen her for years.
It’s fair to say that enough is enough and now is the time to bring her back. I want to live my life the way I want to and not let men dictate what I do and how I feel. To do that, I’m giving up on relationships. Right now, I need to focus on myself and fix the issues I have before committing to someone else. I also realized last night that not one of my ex-partners was the one! Pretty much all my life I was convinced that I don’t want children and they annoy. The truth is that I actually love children and I want to have my own. I just never saw myself having children with my previous partners… that should have always been a red light but I ignored the signs… I ignored them and I focused on the ‘potential’ in the relationships!
Well, I no longer want to fight for a man’s approval and attention. I just want to love myself and live the way I want to. At the end of the day, if I spend a couple of more years with the wrong person, then we’ll both end up being hurt and disappointed.
I don’t want that and I don’t need that!
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