Firstly, I would just like to say that my psychologist is absolutely amazing! Usually, we only have one hour per session but I wasn’t feeling well at last week. She caught on that and was absolutely determined to get to the bottom of the situation. Consequently, the session was extended for another one hour and she refused to let me pay for that extra one hour! This not only shows that she is an absolutely kind and genuine person but that she also cares a lot about her patients! And, that, my friend, I appreciate a lot!
Last week was absolutely horrendous. I was once again left feeling used and hurt. Moreover, the recent events affected me to the point where I called myself ‘worthless, stupid and absolute garbage of a human being’. It affects me a lot when people treat me like I’m not worth even talking to, what’s left for something else. My psychologist reassured me once again that my feelings are completely normal. Every person would respond in the same way. Yet, I’m just a bit more emotional than the average person.
This conversation led to discussing my last relationship and how I feel towards my ex-partner. The truth is, that I’m still quite hurt. However, I don’t hold any grudges anymore. Finally, I not only understand but feel what he has always told me: ‘if you decide to leave and we will be happier, then I’ll be happy’. Now, I want that for him. I hope he is doing at alright, if not even better. Hopefully, he is also on his way towards happiness. Yet, I’m still very hurt by his last words. Especially what he told me on our last evening. I will never forget them and I will never forget the expression on his face. The psychologist told me that this only shows that he is just a human being.
Nevertheless, this brought back memories of when I hit rock bottom. The only person who was there for me at that time was my ex. I trusted him and considered him a friend, so I let him know what happened. The other person who knows about this is my bff. I shared my story with her and she was very supportive and understanding. Now, I had to share it with my psychologist. I told her the full story and how I ended experiencing the lowest point of my life. Truthfully, I was expecting her to be shocked but she didn’t even bat an eye. She just listened to me and said that what’s important is that I realized I can’t live like that anymore. Furthermore, after what I’ve been through I had to let out all of the emotions I had in one way or another.
From what I’ve told my psychologist so far, she told me I’ve lived a very full and interesting life. Actually, that’s why I feel the constant need to do something. I can’t be at home relaxing as I have this mindset that tells me that I need to do something, learn something, experience something new. I even told my psychologist that sometimes I wish to go back to those times. Back then, I wasn’t happy but I was excited and interested to experience different things. Now, I’m living with the constant fear of when the next depression and anxiety episode will be. One day I’m ok, then next – feeling like the world will end.
What I need to learn is how to love myself and enjoy my own company. Do the things that make me happy, regardless of other people’s opinion.
I don’t live for them; I live for myself!
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